Whether 'Tis Nobler to Control or Relinquish Control

I have been thinking a bit over the past few weeks about my own personality, preferences, and the changes that may (or may not) come with having a second child. I like to control my environment, my schedule, and have things "just so" within my home. I like order. I like peace. For the most part, I think I have always been this way - although some of these characteristics have become much more strongly delineated as I have moved into my adult years. Perhaps the first year or two of parenthood made these characteristics even more sharply defined in me, too. I realize that there is a level of chaos and uncertainty that comes with having a baby in the home, and perhaps I reacted against this climate with Baby Sam by becoming even more reliant on order and precision.

(And, for the record, I think Sam has turned out to be quite an orderly, quiet and respectful child. I don't ever worry about him wreaking havoc in my home. He's a sweetheart.)

I wonder if having a second child will make me even more of an "order freak," or if I will let up a little bit. Do things inevitably change when your attention is divided among two children? Part of me wonders if it would be good to let go and not get so worked up when my peaceful environment is disrupted. I definitely would benefit from not being stressed out and bothered. Life would be easier, in some ways! But, honestly, I wonder if I want to let up at all. I really like maintaining control and peace in my life and in my surroundings, and I'm not sure if I want to be more lackadaisical in that regard. On the other hand, though, sometimes I wonder if I am too strict in the way I control my environment. I don't like hosting parties or having people over to my home on a regular basis, because the whole experience has the potential to stress me out. Sometimes I can't relax. And I hate feeling stressed when I'm hosting. Many times I'm not stressed at all (hosting Thanksgiving with eleven members of my extended family was a blast!), but other times I get really stressed out. And then I start to worry about whether or not my guests can tell that I'm on edge. (Is there anyone else who has this issue with hosting other families or large parties? What do you do?)

And so I vacillate. Is my reliance on order something that is inherently me, or is this all acquired behavior that I can change? Is extreme orderliness a good characteristic to have, or should I try to change my natural inclinations and relax more?

I have thought a lot about the specific things that make me nervous and stress me out. (I'm particularly conscious of these things because I'm trying not to get stressed out when I'm pregnant - that's not healthy for the baby! - and also because of some recent conversations that I have had with J and a few other people.) I also know that a lot of the following stress-inducing factors have the potential to result from babies or small children, which makes me think about the changes which will happen in my own family. For example:

• I don't like a lot of noise (especially screaming, shouting, or objects banging together).
• I don't like arguing, contention, or any type of physical violence.
• I don't like messes.
• I don't like it when people do not assume responsibility for their messes or the messes of their children.
• I don't like it when parents are unobservant or uninvolved with their children.
• I don't like it when my schedule is completely turned upside down. Along these lines, I don't like it when I'm placed in a situation in which I can't control the outcome. (This was the case yesterday, for multiple reasons. I stressed all morning about getting to and from work (especially in time to pick up Sam from school), because I knew that 500,000+ people would be going downtown for the Seahawks Super Bowl parade. Traffic was abominable. And then, in the midst of that stressing, as I was literally about to drive to work in the abominable traffic, I received this news that Sam needed to be sent home early from school due to a cough. (Ironically, this news did relieve part of my previous stress, since I was really concerned about getting home in time to pick up Sam.) With this last-minute notice about Sam (and since J was out of the country on a business trip), I had no other choice but to rush to the elementary school and then take Sam to work with me. The whole day worked out fine - probably even better than expected, given the circumstances with traffic and a sick son, but all of the changes of plans left me harried and anxious for the rest of the day. Even when I was going to bed that night, I still felt worked up.)

At present, my home and my own family don't have any issues with loud noise, arguing, messes, or anything of the like. I feel like I have the ability to focus lots of attention on Sam and be responsible as a parent, especially when we go other places. But how will things change with a baby? Naturally, I expect crying, an unexpected schedule, and the occasional blow-out diaper. But what happens when my attention is divided between two children? And will there automatically be contention in our home in the years to come, just by virtue of the fact that Sam will have a sibling? Sam has never been one to push or shove, so I don't worry so much about him, but I have no idea what the personality of this little person will be like.

It will be interesting to read this post in a few years and see how I define my personality and my preferences. How will this new baby change me? Either way, I hope that I like the change.