The "Mental Load"

My dearest friend Kelly just shared this article with me, which discusses gender roles and the "mental load" that women carry in relation to household and daily tasks. I do think that this article makes some broad generalizations about society's role in shaping gender and personality characteristics for each gender, but it raises some important points to consider. I feel very lucky to have married a helpful and proactive husband, but I think that both of us would agree that I still bear the majority of "mental load" necessary for running our household. This is partially due to circumstance (since I am at home more than J), but also because of my personality. J describes me as "fastidious" and I think I've become more fastidious since becoming a mother. I like to feel in control of my environment, which encourages me to have a heightened awareness of my surroundings and the tasks that need to be done. I also prefer to do smaller tasks on a regular basis, instead of having to focus on a pileup of tasks all at the same time. This is one way that J and I are different: he doesn't mind doing something at the last minute or waiting until a need is immediate. I also have a lower tolerance for clutter and dirt than J, so chores fill my "mental load" checklist on a more regular basis than they do for J.

That being said, I'm so glad that J knows how to help around the house and assume responsibilities without direction. Even though he isn't as bothered by clutter, he knows that it bothers me so he is  more sensitive to clutter on my behalf. I appreciate that he is a conscientious husband. And I want to make sure that I raise Sam in a way that naturally encourages him to avoid gender stereotypes and be prepared to assume the "mental load" for his adult life. And, if he chooses to share his life with someone or have a family, I want him to be prepared to equally share that "mental load" with another. So this article is prompting me to think about the way that Sam completes his chores. I typically assign him to a particular task, but I think I'm going to have him try to look around the house and determine where there is a genuine need for a chore to be performed.

My mom definitely was a person who assumed the "mental load" for our family. I think that this was part of her personality: she liked to assume control so that things would happen in the way that she wanted them to. I think a good portion of her "mental load" involved thinking about things that related to the health and physical well-being of herself and her family (particularly regarding food, cleaning products, or clothing with fabrics that didn't irritate her skin). My mom was busy during of her waking moments. I enjoyed seeing this picture that V showed me earlier this month, because it is a rare image of my mom sleeping (see below). I think I'm probably just a little bit younger than Sam in this photo. This picture is also appropriate, too, because my mom is sleeping on a brown silky pillowcase so that her skin wouldn't touch the cotton pillowcase.

Sometimes I wish I could ask my mom more about this topic of the "mental load" and gender roles now that I'm an adult: I wonder if she felt overwhelmed with the mental load or if she simply could prioritize and took the "mental load" all in stride. I also wish I could ask her what she why she opted for a more traditional division of gender roles when it came to household responsibilities. I have some good guesses as to what she would say, but I wonder if she would give me a more nuanced explanation to me, since I am now an adult with my own household.

I do know, though, that I could have been more aware of things that needed to be done around the house when I was growing up. I remember that I would spend time cleaning my room and organizing my own things (because that was an environment that I could easily control), but I typically would leave my dishes out and not put things away in the kitchen. And there were other small things that I wouldn't assume responsibility for, like replacing empty toilet paper rolls with a fresh roll. When I was growing up, it was common practice for everyone grab a new roll when necessary and simply leave it sitting upright on the back of the toilet (while usually just leaving the empty cardboard roll still in the hanger). When I was a newlywed, I remember J specifically had to ask me to start replacing the toilet paper by hanging the roll on the holder, and I was surprised to realize that I had acquired this quirk! Before that moment, it genuinely never crossed my mind that it was strange to leave the roll out until J pointed it out. It will be interesting to see what quirks (and, hopefully, good habits) Sam and Lucy develop as a product of their upbringing.

Empathy and Kindess

I came across a graduation speech that Will Ferrell gave at the University of Southern California. I was struck by his candor and humility, and I particularly liked this quote:

...you will never truly be successful until you learn to give beyond yourself. Empathy and kindness are the true signs of emotional intelligence.

I've been thinking about how Sam is so mature for his age, and I think that it partially is because he has an inherent ability to feel empathy and be kind. A neighborhood boy came over to play this week and the game that he invented with Sam involved hiding behind doors - in the end, the game ended up frightening Lucy. When I came upstairs to see what was going on, Lucy was crying but Sam also got emotional as well. He has an inherent sense of what is the kind thing to do, and I hope that he continues to take his sister's feelings into consideration for the rest of his life.