Mary Oliver Poems

Earlier this evening I learned that Mary Oliver died today. I've been thinking about many of her poems, and how her imagery of nature really resonated with me. I remember reading the poem "Mornings at Blackwater" at a time when I needed to make some important life decisions. Her sage advice is both intensely poignant and also calming. These are three poems I've been thinking about tonight:

Mornings at Blackwater
For years, every morning, I drank
from Blackwater Pond.
It was flavored with oak leaves and also, no doubt,
the feet of ducks.

And always it assuaged me
from the dry bowl of the very far past.
What I want to say is
that the past is the past,
and the present is what your life is,
and you are capable
of choosing what that will be,
darling citizen.

So come to the pond,
or the river of your imagination,
or the harbor of your longing,
and put your lips to the world.
And live
your life.

"I Worried"
I worried a lot. Will the garden grow, will the rivers
flow in the right direction, will the earth turn
as it was taught, and if not how shall
I correct it?

Was I right, was I wrong, will I be forgiven,
can I do better?

Will I ever be able to sing, even the sparrows
can do it and I am, well,
hopeless.

Is my eyesight fading or am I just imagining it,
am I going to get rheumatism,
lockjaw, dementia?

Finally I saw that worrying had come to nothing.
And gave it up. And took my old body
and went out into the morning,
and sang.”

Messenger
My work is loving the world.
Here the sunflowers, there the hummingbird—
equal seekers of sweetness.
Here the quickening yeast; there the blue plums.
Here the clam deep in the speckled sand.
 
Are my boots old? Is my coat torn?
Am I no longer young, and still half-perfect? Let me
keep my mind on what matters,
which is my work,
 
which is mostly standing still and learning to be
astonished.
The phoebe, the delphinium.
The sheep in the pasture, and the pasture.
Which is mostly rejoicing, since all the ingredients are here,
 
which is gratitude, to be given a mind and a heart
and these body-clothes,
a mouth with which to give shouts of joy
to the moth and the wren, to the sleepy dug-up clam,
telling them all, over and over, how it is
that we live forever.

2019 Resolution: Work Less!

I have been thinking over the past few days for what I'd like to have as a resolution this year. Lately I've been feeling a little bit of frustration that I rarely have personal time to recharge. Ever since I started to teach when Sam was a toddler, I've had to work in the evenings during the school year to either prep or grade. And in the past few years, it's started to take a toll on me and I'm starting to feel pretty low.

I've been frustrated and resentful that J never has to work in the evenings: he always get to watch TV or play games on his phone, whereas I always have things that I need to be doing. It's not his fault: he just doesn't have to juggle multiple volunteer and work responsibilities and split his work time throughout the day in order to take care of the kids. These are responsibilities that I want to have. Unfortunately, though, the same thing happens during the weekends: he plays with the kids or takes a nap while I feel pressure to clean the house or madly play catchup with the things that didn't get done during the week. I'm reminded of studies for how working moms put in 98 hours per week and how typically there is an unequal distribution of household tasks between men and women, even if both of them are working.

Sometimes I do get help from my family, and willingly so if I ask. And J does consistently help with doing dishes and folding laundry. But generally I end up taking care of daily tasks, household maintenance and yard work because they are a priority for me: it is hard for me to relax if things are messy or chores need to be done. I wonder sometimes if I am like the anxious figure Martha from the Bible, who is "careful and troubled about many things," and J is like Mary who "chose the good portion."

So how can I relax? I've resolved this year to do something which is quite scary for me: I'm resolving to not work at night. After the kids go down, I'm going to focus on writing (like what I'm doing now), reading, or watching something I enjoy. I might end up doing some personal research or going over my choir music, but it won't be work. No grading. No prep. No emails. I'm not quite sure how I am going to manage getting my work done, but I'm going to figure it out on a day-by-day basis. One thing that I'm going to do is reinstitute a consistent chore chart for the kids - it will take more work for me to manage it each day, but I hope it will also save me time on the weekends. I probably will need to wake up earlier, too, so my evenings are more free. I also will have to give up time on social media. But I think that overall, this will help me feel more like myself: at least the "good portion" of myself that I want to be. I made good progress this past year in helping Lucy to gain more independence (my goal from last year), but I think that I will continue to improve in becoming less frustrated with her if I'm less frustrated with myself.