Female Authority and Pregnancy

 In my case, the blackboard should say "The art teacher is pregnant, not fat," but I felt like the image was quite fitting with this post nonetheless!

I don't feel like this is the appropriate forum to complain about my occasional problems at work, so I'm not going to delve into specifics here. But I did want to record some recent observations about being a young female professor and the authority that I expect to have in my classroom (whether virtual or physical).

In my experience, the vast majority of students are very respectful of me and my course policies. There have been a few instances in which I have felt undermined, belittled, and had my authority challenged by male students. These male students have varied in their age - some of them have been considerably older than me, and a few have been younger than me. I am inclined to think that these male students feel like they can question my authority based on my gender. I do recognize, though, that one quarter I had my authority consistently challenged by a young female student. In that case, I feel like that student's attitude and approach was partially due to her personality, but also fueled by the fact that I am relatively young in comparison with other faculty members on campus.

It's been interesting to observe how my pregnancy this year seems to affect the way that students perceive my authority as an instructor. I feel like some students are intimidated by the fact that I am pregnant - at least when they interact with me. I rarely have students mention or query about my pregnancy to me, unless I first mention something about the topic myself. I also feel like what I say seems to have a bit more weight and bearing with students at times, I guess because I weigh more and have a physically larger presence in the classroom.

On the other hand, this year I have felt like other students do not take me as seriously because I am pregnant. Perhaps this is because my pregnancy makes me seem more like an individual than a teacher? Or perhaps this is an issue that relates to gender - am I even more female (and thus more susceptible to gender discrimination) due to my inherently-female profile right now? I think both of these are valid possibilities, although I assume that many students don't take me seriously because I don't look "normal." I have become an Other through my pregnancy, and that visual element of difference perhaps waters down my identity and authority to a more superficial or stereotypical level. Sure, I know that I look distorted and disproportionate, and I recognize that I waddle around in front of the classroom. I do look silly. Sometimes I can hardly take myself seriously when I look in the mirror, especially when I can't find clothes that fit. But what I say and what I expect from my students is serious and important to me, regardless of my appearance, gender, or current state of being.

A Few New Flowers

Well, once again, I'm writing an early morning post. Today I woke up at 4:45 am, hungry and wide awake. There was one bird tweeting outside, but I don't think I can blame it for waking me up. It's just getting more difficult to sleep these days, and the slightest discomforts seem to wake me up. I remember a few months ago my cousin-in-law Jess mentioned how she was glad when her pregnancies ended, because then she could finally get some sleep. I couldn't understand what she meant, having only remembered losing sleep after Sam was born, but now I can see her point of view.

Just when I posted about not having the stamina to garden, I did find some time to purchase and plant a few new flowers. I was able to weed one garden bed, and J did a great job of weeding the other one. We've laid down more wood chips, so I think we'll keep the weeds at bay for the next few weeks.

I planted a peach-colored foxglove and a blueish-violet delphinium in the back section of the northwest garden. Both of these are supposed to keep blooming from late spring until mid-summer. I'm especially excited about the delphinium; its colors really pop and look great from a distance. I also had a replace one of our azaleas that died - I put a euryops (bush daisy) perennial, which has been trained to grow like a little tree. I hope this change in height adds some visually-interesting height variation to the garden. We haven't enjoyed too many of the yellow blooms yet, but I'm hopeful.

J got this Tiny Skyline Asiatic Lily at the store, when I sent him on a quest to find "something colorful" for the corner of the northwest garden. I think that the orange color is a nice contrast with the blue of the nearby delphinium. This should reach somewhere between a foot tall and a foot wide. We hope that it gets enough sun throughout the day.

 I bought this brightly-colored Kalanchoe plant on a whim, because it was so striking at the nursery. I didn't realize that it is an annual until I got home, so we will only get to enjoy it this year. But perhaps I'll buy more in the future. This is supposed to get to a height of 14-16".

We also finally decided on a hanging plant! I don't know why, but choosing a hanging plant for the porch is always more difficult for me than it should be. I always visit several stores and mull over all of my options for several weeks before making a decision. I feel like hanging plants are such a big commitment, since you'll be looking at the flowers on your porch for a whole season. And I also don't like petunias that much, and hanging plants always seem to have petunias. I don't mind the miniature ones ("Apricot Red Eye") in this pot, though. This pot also has Bright Cascade geraniums (which are more interesting to me than regular geraniums), Blue Velvet verbena, and Colossal Blue bacopa (which looks more like a lavender).

"Sam Popped": Sam's Story at Three Years Old

Earlier this week, J, Sam and I were looking at old videos of Sam. We found this one from 2011 (see below), which was made when we were at our old house. Sam must have been almost three or just barely three when we made this video. Sam was pretending to read us a story from a little book. This was a period when he was interested in watching the "Fireman Sam" videos, which explains why there is both a Sam and a Fireman Sam character (but they are two different people).



Here's the dialogue:

Sam [searching for the right starting page on which he wants to start reading]: Oh, there are a lot of pages! [Clears throat and begins to "read"]: "Sam popped!"
Me: He popped?!?
Sam: Yep, and he...didn't see Mom and Dad, because he popped!
Me: Did Mom and Dad see him?
Sam: No, because he popped!
Me: Oh, boy! Then what happened?
Sam: Whoops! That's all!
Me: But, didn't the firemen come? What happened? Who helped Sam get back together?!?
Sam: Okay! This one [story] is about [how] Mom and Dad popped.
Me: Mom and Dad popped?
Sam: Mmm-hmm. And Sam didn't see them. [clears throat and begins to "read"] Sam...saw his mom and dad pop. Then...the firemen came rushing! And Sam said, "Look, Fireman Sam! My mom and dad popped!"
Me: And what did Fireman Sam say?
Sam: He said, "Oh no!"
Me: And then what did Sam say to the firemen?
Sam [wincing and grimacing]: Sam said, "Mmm...my mom and dad popped!"
Me: And did the fireman help you?
Sam: Yep!
Me: What did he do?
Sam: He was sticking them together and he put they...they nose on top of their head!
Me: Oh! That's not right!
Sam: And they..Fireman Sam put they mouth on their tummies!
Me: Oh, that's not right either! He was confused!
Sam: And Fireman Sam put they legs on top of their...hips!
Me: Oh dear!
Sam: And...and...their feet go on their....on their ears.
Me: Oh, that is too silly! Mom and Dad look too silly in this story!
Sam: Yeah!
Me: And what did Sam do when he saw his silly mom and dad?
Sam: He...he was surprised!
Me: Yeah!
Sam: Yeah! Then...the other one [story] is about Sam and my lamp popped!
Me: Your, your lamb popped?
Sam:  No, the lam-p!
Me: Oh, lamp!
Sam [clears throat and begins to read]: "Sam popped, and his lamp popped!"
Me: Oh dear!

It's amazing how much Sam has changed in the past few years. I don't feel like we made this video that long ago! I also look forward to having similar creative stories told to me by a little person in a few years, once this new baby grows up.

Understanding More about J through Sam

Sam lost his first two teeth this week, one day after the other! Sam's two bottom teeth have been loose for months and months, but Sam has been too terrified to try and pull them out. Finally, after he mentioned on Sunday that he could feel the bottom of a tooth come out of his gums when he wiggled it, I was able to convince him that it was time to pull it out. We tied some floss around the tooth, and Sam had a shocked look on his face a second later, when the tooth easily and quickly popped out of his mouth. The very next night, his other wiggly loose tooth practically was knocked out when Sam brushed his teeth (with his brand new light saber toothbrush, nonetheless). I helped quickly pull that one out, too. We joked that the Tooth Fairy must have been surprised that he/she had to make two back-to-back trips.

Several weeks ago, when Sam was talking about how one of these teeth felt really loose, I tried to convince Sam to pull it out. Sam got nervous and said that he just wanted to wait. I didn't press the issue. After Sam left the room, J said, "I remember being the exact same way when I was little. I would let my teeth practically dangle by a thread before I had the courage to pull them out." I wasn't surprised to hear J say this, given what I know about his cautious personality. But, somehow, seeing these traits manifest in my own son made me feel like I understood J a little bit more. I had a totally different mindset as a little girl: I remember one night pushing my front upper tooth against the wooden post of my bunk bed when we lived in California, in order to loosen it up more quickly. I wasn't as patient or as cautious as J or Sam.

This teeth episode with Sam also has reminded me of another way that I understand J better through my own son. When J and I were dating, I was incredulous upon discovering that J didn't learn to ride a bike until right before his mission. J told me that he tried to ride a bike as a kid, but riding bikes wasn't very fun since he lived at the top of a big hill. I could understand his reasoning to a point, but I still was very surprised. For me, riding a bike was one of the hallmark parts of being a kid. When we lived in Colorado, I would go on long bike rides around the trail near our house. I would take my bike along the trail with the pond (an area now called Ashbaugh Park), and I'd usually stop somewhere when the trail approached the properties for the elementary school and high school. I would also ride my bike to friends' houses in nearby neighborhoods, especially when it was too far to even consider walking. For me, bike riding was special because it constituted independence. I still remember the day that I learned to ride a bike (without training wheels) in the parking lot of the stake center next to our apartment in L.A.

Anyhow, Sam is very cautious when it comes to riding a bike. He still has training wheels, which is fine, but he also likes to pedal at a snail's pace and have an adult walking alongside him. I've tried to explain to him that it is easier to ride a bike when you pick up momentum, but he gets too nervous to ride quickly. We have the gentlest of slopes on our street, and a few weeks ago I convinced Sam to ride a few feet up the slope and then turn around. I explained that he would need to use his foot brake or hand brake to slow down, since he would be going a little bit faster than a snail's pace. As he started to pick up the littlest bit of speed (and I was keeping up with him, despite my pregnant awkwardness), he let go of his handlebars and grasped for me saying, "Mommy! Save me!" Sam's just too cautious to enjoy the thrill of catching some speed and feeling the wind in his face.

Sometime around when gentle-slope drama took place, J and I both were outside while Sam rode his bike. I think J and I were both walking along, flanking either side of Sam's bike at that point. J noted how Sam was being terribly cautious, and even commented on how it would take a while for Sam to get the confidence needed to ride without training wheels. And J then said, somewhat offhandedly to me (without Sam hearing), "I bet I was the same way. I bet my parents tried to teach me how to ride a bike, and once the training wheels came off, I got too scared and said to myself, 'Forget it.'" And I bet J is right. Despite living on a hill, I think that J's cautious nature probably influenced his lack of interest in bike riding. And it's very likely that my son will be the same way. Don't get me wrong: it's fine if bike riding doesn't end up being a favorite pastime for Sam. It's also fine if he doesn't want to pull out his loose teeth before they practically fall out on their own. It's just interesting for me to contrast my own personality with those of the boys in my little family. And it's also enlightening for me to learn more about little-boy J through the personality of our son. Between the two of them, I can understand them both all the better. And, in truth, seeing how these types of traits connect J and Sam together makes me love them all the more.

Going to the Zoo and Outer Space

Every single bird in our neighborhood started singing at almost exactly 5:00 am this morning, which must have been when the sun peeked through some clouds. I've been a light sleeper lately because of this pregnancy, not only because I'm a little uncomfortable but also because I've been having strange, somewhat anxious dreams. I couldn't go back to sleep after hearing the birds, which explains this early morning post.

Lately I've tried to ensure that Sam and I have some special moments together, especially since I know that some things will be different in our home when the baby arrives. About a week and a half ago, Sam and I took an impromptu trip to the zoo after school one day. My brother A was going sailing with a friend, and Sam and I decided to hang out at the zoo since it was near the location where we would pick up A afterward.

That afternoon with Sam was especially fun and memorable. Maybe it was because the zoo was practically empty, since we went in the later afternoon. Maybe it was because the sun came out, and we hadn't seen the sun for a few days. Maybe it was because Sam and I were just in good moods. Whatever the reason, I've been thinking back on this trip to the zoo with fondness. I loved walking around with my little buddy in the pleasant sunshine, hand in hand, and exploring whatever animals he chose to visit.

Outside the komodo dragon display. Sam was a little hesitant to touch the sculpture at first, since he said it looked "so real."

Sam was especially interested in seeing the meerkats, so we planned our route through the zoo around this display.

This week Sam and I also had fun recently creating a spaceship out of a large box. Sam has been into playing with boxes lately. A few weeks ago he and J made a robot mask out of a box that came in the mail. This time we had a bigger box, which allowed for more innovation. Sam designed the box and told me where to create a hatch, wings, etc.

When I told Sam that I wanted to take a picture, he climbed out of the box and struck this specific pose above.

The box is just about the right size for his body. For a few days he would sit in this box while he watched cartoons in the morning. He can even lie down in the box, and he often likes to put his pillow ("Snowman" the elephant pillow pet) and stuffed animals ("Spot" and "Fluffy") in the box with him. I think the spaceship looks a little bit more like an anthropoid Egyptian sarcophagus when he does that (especially with the circular hatch that can suggest a face), but I'm not going to interrupt his fun.

When Sam rides in his spaceship, he sometimes likes to communicate with me and J via walkie-talkie. My in-laws recently lent Sam a pair of walkie-talkies by Fisher Price that J used to play with when he was growing up, and I actually had the exact same kind of set in my house when I was growing up. (J and I also both grew up playing with Speak 'N Spell electronic pads and Fisher Price binoculars. My in-laws still have both of those, and have either lent them to Sam or let Sam play with him. It's fun to see Sam playing with things that I enjoyed as a kid.) Anyhow, the walkie-talkies have been popular around here this past week. If Sam isn't using the walkie-talkies to report to me about something that he's seeing in outer space, he's using them to give me some type of spy/detective update from elsewhere in the house or yard. I've had a couple of updates as to where molehills have popped up in our backyard.

Considering Natural Childbirth

As the time gets closer for our new baby's arrival, I've been thinking more about what I would like the birth experience to be. In retrospect, I think that J and I weren't very well prepared for Sam's birth. I distinctly remember a moment when I was on the hospital bed, looking to J who was seated on my left, and we both looked at each other with wide, deer-in-the-headlights eyes. If J was mirroring the expression on my face, then we both looked scared more than anything else.

J went to a birth class before Sam's arrival, but it was kind of a joke. The most advice that we received (which the nurse repeated every few minutes) was, "Just get an epidural." I remember she went over breathing techniques for about thirty seconds but then just dismissed the information by saying, "But just get an epidural." I remember feeling quite frustrated when we left the class.

With Sam's birth, I wanted to try for a natural birth, but I don't think I did enough to prepare emotionally, psychologically, and in terms of mastering coping techniques. Granted, I didn't know what to expect. When we got to the hospital and I learned that I had to receive antibiotics for Group B Strep for several hours before Sam could be born, I knew that I would need an epidural in order to cope with the pain and preserve my strength. And the pain relief was amazing and welcome.

But, in hindsight, there are things that I didn't like about getting an epidural. I didn't like that I felt incapacitated and sedated - my lower body was reduced to deadweight. I remember being frustrated after Sam was born: he immediately was whisked off to the NICU to have his breathing monitored for two hours, and my bed was wheeled into an empty waiting room. I felt totally helpless at that moment, as I sat in that empty room and cried. I didn't even know where my baby and husband were located, and I couldn't reach them or go to them because I had no feeling or faculty in my legs.

When we left the hospital the next day, I remember complaining to my mom about a dull, but consistent, pain in my lower back. I thought that my back muscles were not used to carrying my body with a new center of gravity (since I had developed into different shapes over the past several months), but in retrospect, I think that the pain was a byproduct of the epidural. My mom was baffled by the back pain and suggested that I try and get some type of girdle to help center my flabby tummy and body weight. J watched Sam while my mom and I shopped for girdles at the mall (a very singular experience!). I think, though, that my mom might not have related to my back pain because she gave birth to all of her children naturally, although with my brother C she asked for an epidural but never felt relief (she thinks the tube might have been kinked, so that the drugs didn't enter her body).

Anyhow, my experience and the side-effects of getting an epidural with Sam have caused me to really want to try for a natural birth this time around. I don't know what will end up happening, of course, and I want to have an open and flexible mindset, but I would like to try and feel more empowered this time around. And, at least at this moment, I feel like I will be more empowered and in control of my body and birth experience without an epidural.

In order to prepare for a natural birth, I have been reading a few books. The one that has given me the most helpful tips for coping techniques and mental preparation is Ina May's Guide to Childbirth, by Ina May Gaskin. These are some of the suggestions and points that I jotted down as I read the book:

• Singing can help relax the body, as well as the horse-lips blowing technique (to help one expel air with a consistent air flow). I like both of these ideas, since I have been singing and using the horse-lips technique for vocal warmups during this whole pregnancy. Part of me thinks that I should bring some very "singable" and comforting soundtracks with me to the hospital - Les Misérables immediately comes to mind, since I've loved that soundtrack since I was about eight years old.
• Massages can also help with relaxing.
• Some ways to open sphincters: slow, deep breathing, a comfortable environment, and laughing
• The body and the mind are connected together: verbal statements (either made by the woman in labor or by others in the room) can sometimes affect the way that one's body reacts.
• Repeating ideas or phrases in your mind can help the labor to progress (going back to the mind-body connection). One woman relayed how she kept thinking "I'm going to get huge!" in her mind over and over, and Gaskin reported that this woman's cervix opened up to an astonishing size.
• Being able to move freely about can help one to cope with contractions
• Hydrotherapy: a warm bath can relax muscles
• Gaskin writes about one woman she worked with who had an attitude of being grateful to be in labor - she was grateful and willing to surrender to the rushes brought on my the contractions. I hope that I can have a similar attitude - I would rather have a grateful attitude of anticipation and excitement than be scared of what my body is doing.

J and I have been talking about some of these coping techniques and ideas together, so that J can be informed and ready to help support me. We have also been looking over the books Pregnancy, Childbirth, and the Newborn and The Birth Partner: A Complete Guide to Childbirth for Dads, Doulas, and All Other Labor Companions. We still need to prepare further and refine our birth plan, but I'm glad that we are thinking about things now. I feel like, if things go according to plan, this birth experience will be much more of a collaborative and calm experience for me and J than the first time around. We'll see if I'm right!

Does anyone have any more coping tips or general advice for someone who is seriously considering a natural birth? I'm interested in all kinds of tips, but I'm particularly looking for ways to deal with the "fight or flight" body reactions that I had last time (i.e. uncontrollable shaking in my legs and nausea).

May Flowers in my Garden

I know that my garden is going to suffer a bit this summer. I don't have the stamina and agility to wrestle with the weeds in my garden, especially the ones on the south side of the house (where I planted wildflower seeds a few years ago). I'm trying to at least maintain control of the two beds in the front of the house, since they are the most visible. Perhaps I'll get to attack the weeds in the wildflower bed in the summer, after the baby comes. But if not, I'm going to be content with enjoying the flowers that I have already planted. If there was ever a year to be lazy about gardening, it would be this year!

The Rubens climatis has been absolutely gorgeous this year. The wisteria and Avalanche climatis are doing alright, but I'm a little concerned that the Avalanche climatis hasn't grown or shown any signs of budding. We'll see if anything changes in the next few weeks.

I've really been enjoying the flowers that are in the bed right next to our fence. It's fun to look at them when I go in and out of the house. The peonies just started to open a few days ago. And, I'm happy that the poofy purple alliums have opened up this year. (It only took them two years!)

If you look closely in the back of this image, you can see that the orange California poppies are starting to open in the wildflower bed. The yellow Lady Stratheden Grecian Rose is also doing well.

Things I Never Thought I'd Say

My phone dramatically and suddenly died the other week. I've been getting by alright with a replacement phone, but I am sad that I've lost some of the files and photos that were on my old phone. One thing that I lost was a list of bizarre things that I've said to Sam over the past year or so. Each of these quotes came about when I was trying to teach Sam some type of lesson or truth. When I think about these quotes objectively and out of context, they're quite amusing. I've remembered some of the quotes I recorded on my old phone, but I'm sure that there were others that I can't recall. I thought I'd better record what I do remember here:

- "Boogers are the poop of your nose. Do you want to eat nose poop?!?"

- "If you want to have friends, you need to wipe your bottom."

- "We don't wear two pairs of underwear [at the same time] in our family."

- "We don't squish other people's vitamins."[This one was said just last night, when I commented that the capsule for my fish oil supplement was rather squishy. Sam asked if he could hold the supplement to see for himself, which prompted my response.]

A few months ago my friend sent me a compilation of other bizarre and humorous things that parents have found themselves saying to their children. These quotes are accompanied with cute illustrations.

I suppose this is an appropriate post to write, given that today is Mother's Day. On some level, these quotes are a silly indication of how I am a mother. In a way, too, some of these quotes also indicate how my mother would teach things to me: she often spoke in the second person when endorsing or discouraging behavior by saying "We don't [insert an action] in our family" or "We do [insert an action] in our family."

What types of bizarre and humorous things have you said to children - either your own or someone else's?

My Mother's "Fragrances"

My brother A spent the past few days with us. It was fun to have him over for a visit. He seemed content to have a low-key agenda (which was nice for this pregnant lady!), so we got to spend some time visiting and playing with Sam at home - although we did go out usually once or twice a day to do something fun. Probably two of the memorable things that we did together were going to the SPY! exhibit at the Pacific Science Center and eating at a brand-new Cafe Rio (the first to open in the Seattle area!).

A and I talked a few times about my mom, which was especially nice given that her birthday and Mother's Day are just about within the same week this year. It's fun to see what my siblings remember and focus on when it comes to memories of my mom. Sometimes they are similar to my own, but sometimes they remember things that I don't remember (or that I didn't specifically experience with my mom for whatever reason).

I actually have been thinking about my mom anyway, because of the Mother's Day advertisements that I've heard on the radio. One ad was promoting a sale for perfume, encouraging people to "buy your mother's favorite fragrance" as a gift this year. This was a bit amusing for me, since my mom didn't wear perfume at all. In fact, artificial fragrances and other strong smells (like fresh newspaper print) gave her a headache. That being said, though, there are specific smells or "fragrances" that I do associate with my mom:

• Lilacs
• Clove
• Grandpa's Pine Tar Soap
• Apple cider vinegar
• White King laundry soap
• Borax laundry soap

There may be more smells that I'm not remembering at present, so I'll update this list later if need be. What certain smells or fragrances (i.e. perfumes) to you associate with your mom?