my mom: 1958-2009

I imagine that most people know that my mom passed away about a week ago. She passed away at home, surrounded by most of my family. My brother called me about ten minutes later, and J, Sam and I hopped on the next flight to Utah.

I don't even know how to describe all of the different emotions and feelings that I've experienced this past week. Earlier this month my friend E compared grief to an alarm clock, and now I totally can relate to her comparison. Grief, pain, sadness and deeply-rooted emotions can come to the surface on very short notice. And other times, though, I feel like I can function alright. It just depends on the minute, or the hour, or the day.

More than anything, though, I hope that my dad will be okay. His "alarm clock" goes off a lot (and understandably so). I know that he's lonely, and I'm sure he's really scared to take care of seven kids by himself (well, I guess six kids, since I'm married and out-of-the-house.). But I think we'll be alright. If God trusts our family to be alright without Mom, then I'm sure it will happen.

I don't really want to revisit the details of the funeral or the past week, but I wanted to point out two things that have really stuck out to me. Soon after mom died, I began to think about how the holiday season would forever be remembered as a sad time, the time that we lost mom. However, I'm so grateful for my sister's different perspective. She mentioned how she was grateful for the ongoing Christmas season, since we are reminded of Christ's sacrifice and gift of resurrection. Her comment (which I actually heard second-hand) has really helped change my attitude and perspective. I have never looked-for or appreciated the Christmas symbols associated with Christ (and specifically, the resurrection) to the degree that I have this year. And they have helped me feel some peace and comfort.

I also have never have fully appreciated the title "Plan of Happiness" until now. My dad spoke at the funeral, and he mentioned God's "Plan of Happiness" with a sob in his voice. Even though it was a sad sob, the sound was also laced with tones of hope and gratitude. I feel like now I can fully appreciate the happiness that God has provided for his children, mostly because I can truly comprehend the greatness of the gifts of resurrection and eternal families.

Thanks to all of the friends and family members who have extended warmth, love, and friendship to me and my family. It's really strange to feel such conflicting emotions: one one hand, we feel so much grief and pain, but on the other hand, we feel overwhelmed with love and kindness. Sometimes I have cried not because I'm sad, but because I feel so much love.