Anyhow, Fridays have been hard.
I've been thinking a lot about grief lately, and how people grieve differently. Soon after mom died, I kept wondering, "Should I be grieving more than I am? Should I be grieving less? How is one supposed to feel after a loved one dies?" I have realized, though, that everyone feels and deals with grief in different ways. Some people cry, some people dwell on past memories and experiences with the deceased, some people close off and internalize their pain.
As for me, I deal with intermittent pangs of sadness throughout the day. I don't cry a lot (except when something sets my "alarm" off). Most of the time, though, I grieve at night. I don't mean to - but I can't help it. I think about my mom and my mind races for at least an hour after I go to bed; it's hard to fall asleep. Even when I do doze off, I often have stressful dreams that often involve my mom (or the moms of my friends). It's awful. I wake up in the morning totally exhausted; I feel like I've just run a marathon.
I'm just glad that I gave my lecture on Mannerism last night. This week I've fallen asleep while thinking about this lecture (and my mom), and then my dreams are especially stressful because they're full of elongated, distorted figures from the 16th century. One night I kept dreaming about my mom with intermittent images of Giulio Romano's "Room of the Giants" (Palazzo del Te, 1530-32, see below) popping up in the dream. It's stressful to dream about collapsing columns and domes all night long, especially coupled with other scenes involving my mom.
Now that lecture is over, though, I'm hoping that my nights will be a little more peaceful. I sure hope so, at least. I don't anticipate the grief going away, but I really hope the insomnia can stop. I'm so tired of it (in every sense of the word!).
Now that lecture is over, though, I'm hoping that my nights will be a little more peaceful. I sure hope so, at least. I don't anticipate the grief going away, but I really hope the insomnia can stop. I'm so tired of it (in every sense of the word!).
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11 comments:
Grief is an interesting thing.
I absolutely understand what you mean when you say Fridays or nights tend to set it off for you. I also have certain times that are harder than others.
Holidays are hard for me. Partially because my parents aren't there, but it is actually much harder for me to be around OTHER people's family gatherings. It's not that I want other people to suffer (and heaven knows I would never wish my circumstances on another soul), but it's very difficult (for me) to see people with their happy families. It's something I don't have and, by the look of my next birthday (i.e. an "old maid"), I probably won't ever have.
Silly as it sounds, I'm already so keenly aware of my own circumstances, that to be around certain situations that force it down my throat even more, is too much for me.
Also, I wanted to tell you that I, too, have dreams about my mom. I actually hate most of the time because I have never had a pleasant dream involving her. I always dream that she didn't really die -- that we just found out that she didn't die -- so, we're all excited to see her and be with her again. Then, when we get to be with her again, we find out that either she is dead afterall or that she is dying of cancer at any moment.
EVERYTIME I dream this, I wake myself up because I will be literally sobbing -- we're talking wet pillow and sobs that have more than once woken up roommates. Ugh, and the feeling sticks with you the whole day. It's horrible.
I'm sorry that this response doesn't provide any real words of comfort. I just want you to know that you aren't the only one, that your grief will change over the years (what sets you off now may change), and that there will always be days you'd do anything to talk to her ...
But, you are also very loved and thought about (by me and many others) more times a day than you'll ever know. She was always meant to be your mother :)
Love you :)
I love you.
I love you. I can't imagine being in your situation and feel that you are handling it really well. I don't have any advice to offer you but truly hope you start to feel better.
oh my. that is one painting i wouldn't like to dream about.
maybe you need another event on fridays/saturdays to help distract you?
and i love you too.
oh m, i wish i knew words of comfort to give you. but like ixoj said, have you thought of having a friday/saturday event or activity that could distract you? it could even be something that your mom loved or enjoyed, so that way you'd remember her happily and start a new tradition with your own family, maybe. you are in my thoughts and prayers!
Grief is a weird thing. When my dad died I never knew when it would pop up. I remember thinking- oh, it's been 3 weeks since I've cried and then boom- I'd cry, or oh, it's been 3 months since I've cried and then once again- boom. You never know when it's going to end. You just deal with it as it comes.
we love you!
Thanks for this post. I am so right there (minus the paintings). I'm waiting for the day I can say her name out loud without immediately having to choke back instant grief. Or dream of her happy and beautifully without dream-realizing that I won't see her again.
I weep for you and with you. We love you, Monica.
there is no rhyme or reason to these things.
i love you and think of you constantly.
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