To Feel Like An Idiot

This is a excerpt from email that I just wrote to a friend from graduate school:

I have to say that your email came at a timely moment; it saved me from feeling like a complete loser after I had just stepped out of a dinner with the other art history faculty members and some art historians who were visiting our campus. The visiting art historians were specialists in Renaissance and Baroque art, and in some ways it was really fun to talk to them. But they also were mentioning so many scholars in such a nonchalant way ("So-and-so's newest book on Caravaggio..." or "So-and-so who published in 'Art Forum' - he was was up for the open position at Yale last year") that I felt quite overwhelmed. I kept nodding my head like I knew what they were talking about or who they were talking about, but I really didn't. I left the dinner wondering if I really even knew that much about scholarship on the Baroque period, let alone art history as a discipline. And I also had to quickly jot down all of these names that I heard (like Lorenzo Pericolo, Todd Olson, and Stephen Greenblatt) so I can try and be more informed next time.

These professors, who obviously have to focus a lot on publication and scholarship as part of their careers, seem to have a totally, totally different profession than mine. It was really interesting to see these professors interact with my colleagues who are tenured. It almost felt like they were speaking another language.

Anyhow, it was an eye opening moment about how different my life would be if I had a PhD and was a tenure-track professor right now. It would be nice to not feel like an idiot in certain circles. But I also don't know if I'm ready or even want to do quasi-ritualistic dances with other professors which involve naming scholars and publications left and right.

Even though I feel like I have learned so much in the past few years, even since graduation, I guess it is a good to be reminded that I don't, in many ways, know much at all.

This evening as I've been thinking about my career and what I do as an art historian and instructor, I've felt comforted by looking at pictures of myself teaching in the classroom. These photos were taken about a year and a half ago. At least I look like I know what I'm doing in those images!