"Reflections" Today and Reflections on Today

I haven't pulled up this blog for a long time. The past few months have been a whirlwind, and they aren't slowing down! I can see from my last post that I never got a chance to finish writing about my trip to Brazil or processing my thoughts from my trip. I'm sure I will revisit my photos, especially when I teach my class on Brazilian art again. I remember being so surprised at the large scale for some of the silver objects in the Museu da Arte Sacra. These were objects I had taught about for several quarters but didn't know the scale since they weren't included in my textbook.

But that's not why I sat down to write for a minute. Today has been so busy: I gave a final in one class this morning, finished grading finals and submitting grades for another class, and hosted the Reflections art celebration at Lucy's school this evening. J is out of town too, so there was more juggling that needed to happen with caring for Violet, school dropoff/pickup, and food prep. And in the midst of it all, I was able to squeeze in an hour to video chat with my family today, on the tenth anniversary of my mom's passing. But with so much going on today, I haven't had a chance to decompress or reflect on the significance of this anniversary until now. So I'm writing out my thoughts to help embrace and reflect on the melancholy I feel.

Today I didn't always feel like the best mom. I wasn't terrible, but I did feel some stress and frustration with Lucy as I was trying to prep for this Reflections celebration. They weren't big things, but I got exasperated when she claimed she needed to go to the bathroom just one minute after driving away from our house, and then again expressing frustration at the two separate meltdowns she had right as we were trying to leave the door to set up the event. And my frustration made her cry even more. (At least in the moment I paused enough to notice the irony of how I wasn't feeling like a great mother, on a day when I'm inclined to think loving and grateful thoughts about my own mother. I tried to backtrack and make some loving comments to Lucy to compensate.)

How often did my mom get exasperated with her kids? How often was she frustrated by last-minute holdups or curve balls that threw off her plans? Did we annoy her at times? I remember her expressing frustration and raising her voice in order to catch our attention, but those don't really stand out to me as a big part of my childhood. And as I reflect on my childhood as a parent myself, I think my mom took a lot of the chaos of parenting in stride and didn't let small scheduling things bother her. I could be wrong, but that's how I perceived things as a kid. I can only hope that my kids will think of me in a forgiving light.

One of the other things that I have thought about tonight is sacrifice. My mom sacrificed a lot for her kids, and personal sacrifice was important to her in a religious and moral sense. I think that this is one way that I can feel connected to my mom in some ways, because I think that sacrifice is a way to build character and encourage you to think outside of yourself. Although I need to think more about the things that I do sacrifice (like my time, which is utterly precious to me) and the reasons why I make certain sacrifices. Even with this Reflections celebration today, I think that I sacrificed my limited free time to do it partially for Lucy (since she likes art), but moreover because I wanted to help contribute something to the community and support the arts. And I'm wondering if this is the right kind of sacrifice that I should be making (since it seems like less of a sacrifice if it is something I want to do), or if I should put my energy toward other things that might be more noble or character-building?

I am glad, though, that Lucy was pleased about getting her ribbon and participating in the both the contest and the ceremony tonight. She likes to feel like she is involved in the comings-and-goings of her school community. So maybe I can continue to think about my (continued?) involvement with this annual school event as something for her, if this ends up being important and very meaningful for her.

When looking at this picture earlier tonight, I thought about how my mom would have loved to meet this cute little granddaughter of hers. She would love Lucy's creativity and imaginative mind. She would admire Sam's maturity and continually-cheerful disposition. I wish they could have gotten to know her.