Learning from Lucy

About once every two weeks, Lucy comes home from preschool in a grouchy mood. She argues with me at every turn and sometimes works herself up into a dramatic tantrum over something trivial. Usually this foul temper means that she is tired, and sometimes I can get her to fall asleep if we drive in the car for more than fifteen minutes. Such was the case after our grumpy episode this afternoon: Lucy fell asleep on the way to Sam's fencing lesson, and while Sam attended class I sat in the parking lot for an hour with a sleeping Bubba in her carseat. Looking back, I really value that I had some quiet time to reflect, since Lucy and I had three arguments today (morning, afternoon and evening) and I regret the way I handled each situation. Sam never talks back to his parents, so I haven't had to deal with this situation before. I'm still learning how to respond to a strong-willed child that challenges seemingly everything I ask or do. But I want to nip this talky-back, toddler-sized sassy attitude in the bud now, so Lucy learns that behavior is not acceptable. I want her to be a gracious, kind person. And I want to feel like a gracious and kind person, which has been trying as of late. I suppose that we both need to work on developing this same skill.

Lucy can be very sweet and good-natured, and she definitely has a keen awareness of what is right and wrong. After school she likes to report to me which kids followed the rules, and which ones did not. She loves her friends at school and has been planning her 5th birthday party for months and months. She has moved out of her lip syncing phase, and instead, as she gets older, I can tell that she and I are similar in our love of singing. My mom told me once that she could always tell how I was feeling, based on the song that I chose to sing at the piano. Lucy is the same kind of way: she likes to burst into songs that she has made up, and often they relate to how she is feeling or what she is doing. Her face is an open book and it is easy to tell how she feels, based on the expression of her eyes or the turned up (or down!) line of her mouth.

Over the past few days she has been wanting to "wear her hair down," which really means that the front locks usually fall down in front of her face. She cares a lot about having people notice things about her (another way that she is an opposite of Sam), and she was convinced that her friends at school would notice if she wore her hair in this different way. So today, I let her wear her hair down, although it was tucked a little back behind a headband. Lucy also didn't want me to wet down her curls or put gel in them, because she didn't want her hair to look "too dark" when it gets wet. So, instead, I brushed the tangles out of her hair and we left it in a poofy mass of frizz in the back, because that is what she wanted. And as soon as we walked in the door, Lucy's classmate Harper came up to me and asked, "What did you do to Lucy's hair today?" And I replied that Lucy had wanted to wear a new hairstyle. Harper said, "Oh! I like it," and Lucy just glowed. Her ploy to have a new hairdo that would be noticed worked. And, seeing her with that big smile on her face made me realize that maybe I need to relinquish some (all?) control over what Lucy wears or how she styles her hair.

I love this girl, even when it is hard. And I hope that she and I both become better people through our mother-daughter relationship. We have a lot to learn from each other.

Mary Oliver Poems

Earlier this evening I learned that Mary Oliver died today. I've been thinking about many of her poems, and how her imagery of nature really resonated with me. I remember reading the poem "Mornings at Blackwater" at a time when I needed to make some important life decisions. Her sage advice is both intensely poignant and also calming. These are three poems I've been thinking about tonight:

Mornings at Blackwater
For years, every morning, I drank
from Blackwater Pond.
It was flavored with oak leaves and also, no doubt,
the feet of ducks.

And always it assuaged me
from the dry bowl of the very far past.
What I want to say is
that the past is the past,
and the present is what your life is,
and you are capable
of choosing what that will be,
darling citizen.

So come to the pond,
or the river of your imagination,
or the harbor of your longing,
and put your lips to the world.
And live
your life.

"I Worried"
I worried a lot. Will the garden grow, will the rivers
flow in the right direction, will the earth turn
as it was taught, and if not how shall
I correct it?

Was I right, was I wrong, will I be forgiven,
can I do better?

Will I ever be able to sing, even the sparrows
can do it and I am, well,
hopeless.

Is my eyesight fading or am I just imagining it,
am I going to get rheumatism,
lockjaw, dementia?

Finally I saw that worrying had come to nothing.
And gave it up. And took my old body
and went out into the morning,
and sang.”

Messenger
My work is loving the world.
Here the sunflowers, there the hummingbird—
equal seekers of sweetness.
Here the quickening yeast; there the blue plums.
Here the clam deep in the speckled sand.
 
Are my boots old? Is my coat torn?
Am I no longer young, and still half-perfect? Let me
keep my mind on what matters,
which is my work,
 
which is mostly standing still and learning to be
astonished.
The phoebe, the delphinium.
The sheep in the pasture, and the pasture.
Which is mostly rejoicing, since all the ingredients are here,
 
which is gratitude, to be given a mind and a heart
and these body-clothes,
a mouth with which to give shouts of joy
to the moth and the wren, to the sleepy dug-up clam,
telling them all, over and over, how it is
that we live forever.

2019 Resolution: Work Less!

I have been thinking over the past few days for what I'd like to have as a resolution this year. Lately I've been feeling a little bit of frustration that I rarely have personal time to recharge. Ever since I started to teach when Sam was a toddler, I've had to work in the evenings during the school year to either prep or grade. And in the past few years, it's started to take a toll on me and I'm starting to feel pretty low.

I've been frustrated and resentful that J never has to work in the evenings: he always get to watch TV or play games on his phone, whereas I always have things that I need to be doing. It's not his fault: he just doesn't have to juggle multiple volunteer and work responsibilities and split his work time throughout the day in order to take care of the kids. These are responsibilities that I want to have. Unfortunately, though, the same thing happens during the weekends: he plays with the kids or takes a nap while I feel pressure to clean the house or madly play catchup with the things that didn't get done during the week. I'm reminded of studies for how working moms put in 98 hours per week and how typically there is an unequal distribution of household tasks between men and women, even if both of them are working.

Sometimes I do get help from my family, and willingly so if I ask. And J does consistently help with doing dishes and folding laundry. But generally I end up taking care of daily tasks, household maintenance and yard work because they are a priority for me: it is hard for me to relax if things are messy or chores need to be done. I wonder sometimes if I am like the anxious figure Martha from the Bible, who is "careful and troubled about many things," and J is like Mary who "chose the good portion."

So how can I relax? I've resolved this year to do something which is quite scary for me: I'm resolving to not work at night. After the kids go down, I'm going to focus on writing (like what I'm doing now), reading, or watching something I enjoy. I might end up doing some personal research or going over my choir music, but it won't be work. No grading. No prep. No emails. I'm not quite sure how I am going to manage getting my work done, but I'm going to figure it out on a day-by-day basis. One thing that I'm going to do is reinstitute a consistent chore chart for the kids - it will take more work for me to manage it each day, but I hope it will also save me time on the weekends. I probably will need to wake up earlier, too, so my evenings are more free. I also will have to give up time on social media. But I think that overall, this will help me feel more like myself: at least the "good portion" of myself that I want to be. I made good progress this past year in helping Lucy to gain more independence (my goal from last year), but I think that I will continue to improve in becoming less frustrated with her if I'm less frustrated with myself.

Ideal PhD situation

J and I drove up to Vancouver on a couple-only overnight getaway. We got to see the musical "Beautiful" as an early anniversary celebration. It was sunny and beautiful outside while we drove. We talked about what it would be like if I got a PhD, and I said that I really would want to do one if it was convenient for me.

We joked about what the ideal topic would be that could fit all of my interests: the undiscovered personal ancient art collection owned by a female archaeologist who lives in Victorian England (so the topic can connect to issues of colonialism and imperialism but also Victorian culture and fashion) and she is friends with the Pre-Raphaelites, John Ruskin, and William Morris. And somehow paintings of women reading books in domestic interiors will be involved too. And this collection and archaeologist have been relatively unknown and unresearched until now.

That's all I need. Oh, and if this topic could be studied at UW so I don't have to move or be inconvenienced, that would be great. Can courses be offered in the morning, so I can teach or be with my kids in the afternoon and evening? Thx.

The Phantom Returns

We just finished a very successful Halloween season. Sam was a dementor (from Harry Potter) and Lucy was a flamenco dancer. J went as Bob Ross and I went as a witch. But a day or two before Halloween, Sam started talking about the costume that he wants to wear for Halloween next year. He said that he wanted to be the Phantom of the Opera, which surprised me because I didn't know that he was really familiar with that character. Anyhow, he started peppering me with questions about the Phantom and his costume, and finally two nights ago I pulled out my soundtrack of the original London cast so that he could hear. Since then, he's listened to the soundtrack several times, and he sings along with the help of either the lyrics book or sheet music. He's listening to it now while I type. He has also started to figure out how to play the songs on the piano, and last night he watched the 2004 film on Netflix. Lucy is getting into the spirit of Phantom too, and she tries to squeakily sing the high notes that Christine Daae hits.

It's really fun for me to see this sudden and intense interest in The Phantom of the Opera, because it reminds me of how I became obsessed with that show when I was just a year older than Sam is now. My dad took our family to see the show when we lived in Denver, since one of his patients was the understudy for the Phantom. I remember we had really good seats too, in the front and only about six rows from the stage. I was blown away by the set, music, and costumes, and then after the show we got a backstage tour from this patient, which made the whole event utterly unforgettable. I became obsessed with the show. I even remember finding a book at the library with the contact addresses of famous people, and I wrote a letter to Michael Crawford to let him know how much I loved his voice.

At this time, I had converted the closet of my bedroom into a reading room. I had pulled in some pillows and a lamp so I could comfortably read while sitting on the floor. I remember reading Gaston Leroux's book and comparing how the phantom Erik was different from the one in the musical. I thought the phantom was the epitome of masculinity back then, which is funny now.

Sam isn't interested in the phantom for his "masculinity," but he likes how the phantom is spooky and plays the organ. He's impressed with how he knows his way around the opera house and can pull off creepy pranks. And he likes the idea of wearing a fancy mask, hat and suit for Halloween. We'll see if he ends up wearing this costume next year. Regardless, I think this interest in the musical is going to last for a while. And this is fun for me, since I get to relive my own past a little bit and think about what it was like when I was about Sam's age. So far Lucy has been the one who is keenly interested in musicals, but it is apparent that Sam has a little bit of my genes too.

Hearst Castle

Hearst Castle, once owned by William Randolph Hearst, is probably the strangest historical house/museum that I have ever visited in my life, aesthetically-speaking. The exterior of the main house looks like the facade of a Spanish Renaissance church, for starters, and is complete with two bell towers. And the interior of the main waiting room and dining room are decorated with choir stalls for wainscoting. The ceilings are carved with panels, the walls above the wainscoting are covered with tapestries, and paintings are interspersed in the remaining wall surface area. It's all super bizarre.

But I'm drawn to this place, too. It seems to have all of the things that I enjoy about art and art history: it is a collector museum, it has Baroque and Neo-classical art (including a copy of Canova's "The Three Graces"), it even has ancient art (such as an Egyptian sculpture of Sekhmet). There are gardens and mosaics and a beautiful seaside coast. The castle even has connections with feminism, since it was designed by the architect Julia Morgan, who was the first woman to receive a degree in architecture from the School of Fine Arts in Paris. William Randolph Hearst's mother was also connected to the Suffragette movement, which makes me interested in his family. I can even connect the estate to art crime. I can even connect my interest in Old Hollywood to this place, since Hearst would invite stars like Clark Gable, Cary Grant, and Charlie Chaplin to visit.

It seems like this place is just calling for me to write something about it. An article? A dissertation? I'm not sure yet. But for now I'm thinking about how this place is full of contradictions: New World (California) vs. Old World, traditionalism (in style) vs. progressivism (female architect), fictive environments (including the movie theater and the impromptu plays that Hearst's Hollywood guests would perform), and public vs. private spaces. Maybe there is something I can derive from his mistress Marion Davies, who acted as hostess alongside Hearst? We'll see what I come up with after I finish mulling these ideas over in my mind.

Ceiling of the waiting room

Wainscoting in the waiting room - this was inspired by another architect

Statue of Sekhmet rests on an Art Deco fountain designed by Julia Morgan

The dining hall

Detail of the Game Room, next to one of the billiard tables

Detail of the movie theater in the house

A copy of Canova's "The Three Graces," by Boyer (late 19th century)

This indoor swimming pool was my favorite place on the estate - gorgeous!

Sam is Ten!

Sam is ten years old! It has been a busy day trying to make sure that he has felt special and celebrated. Everything worked out and he really did have a good day. In between the busy schedule of the day, I've had a few moments to reflect on how I entered parenthood a decade ago when Sam was born. I feel like I am in the thick of parenthood right now, and sometimes it is hard to remember a time when I didn't have children. But at the same time, I feel like the time has passed so quickly from when Sam was a tiny little baby and a tiny little boy.

I know I've written this before, but I am so struck with how mature Sam is for his age. He is always willing to obey my requests for help. He is very good with Violet and always steps in to help when we ask him to. He doesn't complain or talk back to me, and is very kind and patient with Lucy. He is still imaginative and will occasionally pretend some type of role-playing game with Lucy. Most of the time, though, his pretending is inside his head, when he makes his Lego figurines interact with each other.

Sam loves to play games on the computer. Lately he has been very interested in playing the Roblox games, and we are starting to explore the dynamics of playing games online and what it means to play interactive games with other friends online. He is only allowed to accept friend requests from people that he personally knows, and he is very good at following this rule.

Sam still likes to play the piano and is starting to take the initiative to learn songs outside of his lesson books. Over the past few weeks, he learned how to play "The Sound of Silence." He knows it well enough that he can play it slowly (as written) or sometimes with a sharp allegro beat. Right now we hear that song a few times a day - and often he sits down to play it as we are trying to walk out the door and go somewhere!

Right now Sam just earned his Webelos badge in Cub Scouts, and he will be working on his Arrow of Light for next year. As of now, he isn't interested in continuing onto Boy Scouts, which is fine with me and J! Sam has also been participating in the Drama Kids before-school program on Fridays. Even though he feels a little out of his comfort zone, he has been a really good sport and I think that he has enjoyed learning the script and thinking creatively about his character role.

Sam still loves to read. We read A Wrinkle in Time earlier this year together. He also read The Hobbit with Jeremy a few months ago, and now they are reading The Fellowship of the Ring. This year he also has been interested in reading the Origami Star Wars books, and he liked reading Inkheart with his class. He still loves comics. Since he has finished the library's collection of Garfield and Calvin and Hobbes books, he has tried some Dilbert and also FoxTrot comics.

Sam loves one-on-one conversations and is very chatty if you get him talking about something that he is interested or excited about. He mostly is chatty if he is explaining the features of a video game. For his birthday he asked for money so he could get some "Robucks" to by Roblox avatar features and games. We spent quite a bit of time this afternoon talking about the avatar features and the different things that he likes in Roblox.

We love Sam!

Opening presents in the morning

Wearing a new Star Wars t-shirt from the F-family. Sam wanted chocolate crepes with whipped cream and strawberries (as well as some eggs) for his birthday breakfast.

A Harry Potter team shirt from the Hawaii S-family!